孩子是否有权利选择自己的道路

   内蒙古自治区呼和浩特市玉泉区恒昌店巷小学的学生和家长在参加“两人三足”趣味游戏。新华社发

当“北大毕业”“留美研究生”的身份标签与“12年未回家过春节”“与父母决裂6年”连在一起，会产生什么反应？

近日，一封儿子“控诉”父母的万言书在网络上引起热议。什么样的恩怨让父母与儿子之间落下如此裂痕，难以弥合？父母与儿女，在爱与被爱之间，还有多少情感黑洞说不清，道不明？当前亲子关系的发展演变呈现出哪些变化和特点？我们又该如何思考家庭教育所折射的问题？

1、“孩子没有理由不听父母的”

“过度关爱”是故事主人公王猛（化名）以万言书“控诉”父母的最大“罪状”。在长文中他列举的几个记忆深刻的事例，包括母亲不接纳他男孩子刚强、自主的气质，喜欢按自己的喜好包办一切；他喜欢奥数，但母亲并不支持，反而在他遇到挫折时冷嘲热讽；求学路上，高中想换学校却遭到父母拒绝，在北大求学直到在美国读研究生，均被父母通过“老朋友”远程操控。

王猛的遭遇得到了一些网友的同情，尽管属于个案，但没人能否认，类似的细节时常出现在我们身边——不停攀比别人家的孩子、强迫孩子做交际筹码、把包办一切包装成爱……教育专家尹建莉对此分析说，子女和父母不幸形成“绞杀关系”，父母往往是难以改变的一方，因为他们是家庭关系的建构者和主导方。她认为，作为子女，当意识到无力改变时，最好的方法是远离，“王猛的选择既理性，又妥当”。

北京某高校研究生于甜在保送研究生期间，被心仪的学校拒绝了。面临着升学的迷茫与焦虑，她向父母提出“留在本校读研”，但是却遭到了父母的坚决反对。在于甜看来，没有接受过高等教育的父母“瞎指挥”，“从小到大，学习、个人生活，甚至职业选择都被束缚了”，而她一直期待与父母是“一种平等对话”的关系，能够互相敞开心扉。

“孩子的独立性与父母的支配欲就是矛盾体。”研究家庭教育30余年的北京师范大学教授赵忠心告诉记者，“中国的父母控制和支配孩子的欲望往往过于强烈，这是由于中国有着‘人身依附’的传统观念。家长们理所当然地认为，孩子没有理由不听父母的。在家庭关系中，家长与子女的地位很难平等，单向的管束多、双向的互动少，单纯说教多、实践锻炼少”。

2、升学要素主导家庭教育

孩子与父母相处的矛盾，远比“控制和支配”更为复杂。十年前，赵忠心曾总结亲子关系的三种主要类型，分别是控制型、溺爱娇惯型、有条件的放任型，“有条件的放任指的是家长特别关注学习成绩，如果学习好，其他都可以不用管，这种情况以往也不鲜见”。

当生活水平逐渐提高，素质教育不断扩展，记者发现，从总体上看中国家庭关系中的亲子关系正在好转，尽管父母与孩子之间观点各不相同，但双方已懂得妥协。

70后的张琴家住上海，有一个正在上小学五年级的女儿琪佳。琪佳认为自己与父母是“朋友关系”，在日常的沟通上不存在问题。当触及不诚实、不懂感恩的“原则问题”时，张琴才会和孩子红脸。

2017年，上海社科院青少年研究所所长杨雄主持一项针对8000名上海家长的问卷调查，经过与十年前的监测结果对比发现：目前，家庭中亲子互动获得极大改善，家长更倾向于平等对待孩子，学习、做人、交友是亲子交流的主要内容，做人和品行占比很大。

但是，该研究同时表明，升学要素依然是影响家庭教育的主导因素。家长对孩子有着很高的教育期待，“近一半家长期望孩子成绩在班级前5%，超过九成家长期望孩子学历在本科及以上”。人们在评价指标上，依然把学习成绩摆在第一位，而培养出孩子的素质和品格被忽视。杨雄反问：“孩子品格优秀、成绩不尽如人意，大众会认为这样的家庭教育成功吗？”

这种变异的社会评价标准无处不在，而让家长产生焦虑的还有他们自己的虚荣心。“别人家的孩子”或多或少地影响张琴的家庭教育方式，她坦言：“虽然大家都知道这是虚荣心作祟，但是能够做到完全抛开不顾，几乎没有家长能做到。”

3、应把孩子视作“即我非我”的独立个体

1919年，鲁迅先生在《新青年》上发表了《我们现在怎样做父亲》，谈论家庭改革，其中提到“子女是即我非我的人”，教育孩子应该有三个步骤即“理解”“指导”“解放”，做到“应该健全的产生，尽力的教育，完全的解放”。

“孩子是‘即我非我’的独立个体，很多家长都没有意识到这一点。”赵忠心表示，即使100年过去了，现在的家庭教育依然存在三个误区：盲目的超前教育，对孩子智力进行掠夺式开发；家庭教育的片面性，只强调学习、忽视品格和能力；学校化倾向明显，家长抛弃自己的职能，成为学校的承包机构，完成学校布置的任务。

如此重视家庭教育的中国，为什么还是容易出现问题？杨雄直言，当前家庭教育存在的主要问题是，中国家长一方面从来不给孩子磨炼意志的机会，却又要求孩子与别人竞争。家长期待过高，孩子反而会发挥不好。学习压力太大、心理负担过重，孩子就会丧失自信。

在中国，有太多父母并不懂得如何为人父母。“家庭教育也是在教育家长，是家长自我修养的过程。”赵忠心表示，家长必须明白，今天照顾的最终目的是将来“不照顾”，要使其尽早摆脱家庭“保护伞”，否则，培养出来的孩子，家长永远都不放心。

“在家庭教育中方向比努力更重要。”杨雄提醒家长，很多家长认为成功的家庭教育就是培养孩子考进好的学校，将来出人头地。在我看来，升学只是孩子成长中间的一小部分，真正成功的家庭教育是从小培养孩子良好的习惯和个性，并形成良好的人格。

来源:凤凰

Do children have the right to choose their own way

Heng Dian Xiang Jade Spring District of Hohhot City, the Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region primary school students and parents to participate in the "two three foot" fun games. Shen Jizhong

When the identity tag of "Peking University Graduate" and "graduate student in America" and "12 years did not go home for the Spring Festival" and "break with parents for 6 years", what kind of reaction will it bring?

Recently, a son of a son "accusations" of the parents of a million books on the Internet caused a hot discussion. What kind of resentment makes the parents and their sons fall so fissures that it is difficult to heal? Parents and children, between love and love, how many emotional black holes are not clear, unidentified? What changes and characteristics are present in the development and evolution of the relationship between parents and children at present? How do we think about the problems of family education?

1. "There is no reason why children don't listen to their parents".

"Over care" is the biggest "charge" of the parents of the story protagonist Wang Meng (the pseudonym) of the "accusation". He cited several memory in the text of the profound examples, including the mother does not accept his boys strong, independent temperament, love according to their own preferences do everything; he love Olympiad, but my mother does not support, but in his frustration taunt; Study on the road, want to change the school was high in the north in the parents refused. School until reading a graduate student in the United States, are the parents through the "old friends" remote control.

Wang Meng's experience has been sympathized with some netizens. Although it is a case, no one can deny that similar details often appear around us -- constantly comparing children from other families, forcing children to make communication chips, packing everything into love. The education expert Yin Jianli said this analysis, children and parents Unfortunately formed "strangling relationship", parents are often difficult to change the party, because they are the construction of family relations and the leading party. She believes that as a child, the best way to be aware of the inability to change is to be far away. "Wang Meng's choice is rational and appropriate."

A university in Beijing was born in a sweet school, and was rejected by the school. Faced with the confusion and anxiety of the study, she proposed to her parents "to stay in the school", but was strongly opposed by her parents. It is sweet. It seems that parents who have not received higher education are "blind commanding". "From small to large, learning, personal life and even career choices have been tied up", and she has been looking forward to having an equal dialogue with her parents and opening their hearts to each other.

"The independence of the child is in contradiction with the dominant desire of the parents." Zhao Zhongxin, a professor at Beijing Normal University, who has studied family education for more than 30 years, told reporters that "the desire of Chinese parents to control and control children is often too strong, because China has a traditional concept of" personal attachment ". Parents naturally think that there is no reason why children do not listen to their parents. In the family relationship, the status of parents and children is difficult to be equal, one way and more, two-way interaction less, simple preaching, practice less exercise.

2. Factors leading to family education

The contradiction between children and their parents is far more complex than "control and control". Ten years ago, Zhao Zhongxin had summed up the three main types of parent-child relationship, namely control, doting type, conditional coddle laissez faire "conditional laissez faire, refers to the parents pay special attention to learning achievement, if learning is good, the other can not, this situation is not uncommon in the past".

As quality of life gradually improves and quality education expands, journalists find that the parent child relationship in Chinese family relations is improving in general. Despite the different views between parents and children, the two sides already know compromise.

After 70 Zhang Qin's house in Shanghai, there is a daughter, the daughter of grade five, who is in primary school. She believes that he is a "friend relationship" with his parents, and there is no problem in daily communication. When touching the dishonest and ungrateful "the principle", Zhang Qin will face and children.

In 2017, the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Institute of youth director Yang Xiong presided over a survey for 8000 parents in Shanghai, compared with the monitoring results of ten years ago found that: at present, the parent-child interaction has improved greatly in the family, parents are more likely to treat children, learning, life, friends are the main content of parent-child communication, life and conduct a large proportion of.

However, the study also shows that the essential factors affecting the family education are still the key factors for the promotion of family education.  Parents have a high educational expectation for their children. "Nearly half of their parents expect their children to get the top 5% in the class, and more than 90% of their parents expect their children's academic degrees to be above undergraduate". On the evaluation index, people still put their achievements in the first place, and the quality and character of the children are ignored. Yang Xiong asked, "is the quality of the child good, the result unsatisfactory, will the public think such a family education is successful?"

This variation is ubiquitous in social evaluation standards, and the anxiety of parents is their own vanity. "Other people's family" affects the family education mode of Zhang Qin more or less. She admits: "although we all know that this is vanity, it can be completely ignored, almost no parent can do that.

3, the child should be regarded as an independent individual, "I am not I"

In 1919, Mr. Lu Xun in the "New Youth" published "our father" now how to do, talk about family reform, which refers to children is that I am not the person ", child education should have three steps:" understanding "of" guidance "," liberation "should do" sound production

The best education, complete liberation.

"The child is an independent individual that I am not I, and many parents are not aware of this." Zhao Zhongxin said, even if the past 100 years, family education now still exist three misunderstandings: Advanced Education of the blind, predatory exploitation of children; the one sidedness of family education, emphasize learning, character and ability to ignore the obvious tendency; the school, the parents abandoned their functions, as the contracting agency school complete the tasks assigned by the school.

Why is it easy for China to pay so much attention to family education? Yang Xiong bluntly pointed out that the main problem of current family education is that Chinese parents never give their children the opportunity to exercise their will, but also require their children to compete with others. Parents expect too much, but children will not play well. The children will lose their confidence when they are too stressed and overburdened.

In China, there are too many parents who do not know how to be parents.  "Family education is also the parent of education, it is the process of self-cultivation of the parents." Zhao Zhongxin said that parents must understand that the ultimate goal of today's care is to "not care" in the future, so that they can get rid of the family's "umbrella" as soon as possible, otherwise, their parents will never feel secure.

"In family education, direction is more important than effort." Yang Xiong reminds parents that many parents believe that successful family education is to train children to get into good schools and come out in the future. In my view, entering a school is only a small part of the growth of children. The real successful family education is to cultivate children's good habits and personality from childhood, and form good personality.